.toxic//gravity

they say the only thing that is constant here, is CHANGE.

everyone has their own life now, and i guess they don't want me in it.

i better should get ahead also. no use thinking of the loose ties that needs tying. 

what happened before, in the past, is all in the past. trying to mend it now, would not change anything. 

though sometimes, the past may come to haunt you, be strong and live for the present and the future.

regrets come and go, what ifs' are always there. 

i may have not done a lot then, which i am wishing i should have - i cannot go back in time, and remedy it.

the only thing i could do is make sure that it won't happen again - thus learning from it.

that's what i have concluded. onwards to my dream and plans then - with God's grace we can do this!

 

PS: to the persons i may have hurt in the past, i apologize. Though, those mistakes had allowed us to grow. :]

I was re-reading all the emails from tenken, those i have managed to saved. I was wondering where did the other mails go, i think i have purposely deleted it. From the tone of the sayonara email from him, i can sense that he's annoyed at me. There is some aloofness in him. I dunno. But please Ouji-sama, don't hate me. Please don't.

yes, it's 7 years, and i should probably not be doing this. he left 7 years ago. and last May 4, 2011, i and the veggie group celebrated his birthday. we dined out then had some coffee, i apologize for not having the cake. we plan to do it next year, with a cake.

we did our research, and we found out that he was a girl. i'm not convinced though. in my case, i still believe that he is a real boy. not a girl who made him up. he did allow us to see his picture. i know, it's a bit hard to understand what i am going through since we never met him in person, just the internet. but still, i'm kind of attached to him. once in a while he does cross my mind, but not too much like what is happening in the past weeks after we started the Operation Tenken - that is to find him, and to me to get him back. i still feel awful that he went away, left his online friends because of me, which i recently found out that, that reason was just a theory / a conclusion that a friend of ours drawn from the reasons Tenken said before he left. And, for 7 years i was feeling guilty. but alas, now i know that what tenken had actually said was - it's hard to love someone whom u haven't met in person. WAIT! that is what i said to him when he told me that he loved me. that it is not possible because we cannot see each other in person. Then, he (tenken) said that, he feels bad for the blind people, because if seeing is the only thing that hinders them from loving each other then, it's really depressing on their part.

now i know the real reason he left, i'm concluding that he left because i am becoming a hindrance to him. i cant remember what happened last july 2004, but i know something terrible happened, may be a sad event, because my brain is like that, whenever something bad or sad happens i totally forget about it. all i know from facts, rereading the emails i've saved (not all them were saved though), he told me he loved me june 2004 and from what i blogged here, i think i'm kinda falling in love with him, and i think i did try to tell him that - thus i blogged about being rejected. i'm not really sure. but i think he ran away. i think he is just like me, the me then. afraid to grasp what is right in front of us, afraid that it would be ruined, afraid that it is not what we expect it to be. thus, losing the chance / opportunity, then we're left to ponder what could have been. i think, he doesn't want to hurt me, that's why he left. though, from what i read here, i was crushing on another guy when he said goodbye, so it's kind of confusing.

i texted his old number, been doing that for a couple of weeks now (but no! not everyday). i sent him a total of 4 messages, then yesterday someone replied. i felt heartbroken, it goes....

me: Hello again! Where are you? are you a really different person from the person we know then? ne, tenken, please. Please just email us or anything. Just so we know that you really exists. Please. In case you forgot, my email add is ******@yahoo.com. Do email us please.

someone: who are you? i really don't know you.

me: i'm sorry but a friend of ours, used this number 7 years ago. by any chance are you wong jen hao? but if u dont know me, then it isnt you, right?

someone: nope. im not

me: thank u, and im sorry.

 Re-reading what i texted feels like i'm so desperate. yeah. i want him to come back. kuya oliver has been searching for him for the last 7 years. and i feel awful because i thought i was the reason he really left. but no. thank God. However, i felt cheated. if he was really a boy, he didnt allow me to say what i felt for him before, i know i should not be doing this or thinking about it, i have a boyfriend and i love him. but a part of me is sad that tenken left, and i didnt have the chance to tell him i like him before. and if he was really a girl, then i dunno. it would be a lot more depressing, since it would mean that s/he intended to fool us all. 

i need 2400php!! help me somebody please.. as in now.. oh well.. nevermind..

i'l try to work that out myself? but how? my father wont allow me to get a summer job and ok.. i feel like a parasite now!! hahaha :) always, asking money from my parents...

im at the mall ryt now.. all by myself waiting for the photos to be processed.. so i decided to rent a comp and see wat has been happening in my blog.. i was supposed to be at cavite ryt now.. unfortunately.. dad wouldnt allow me.. my friend tinny is celebrating her bday there.. and    wait a minute.. i saw her mom and sister just a minute ago and they said tinny is in recto ryt now.. w/c is miles away from cavite.. so does that mean.. that supposedly get together was cancelled? i hope it aint coz of me.. :D

oh well, this maybe my last post.. i'l be closing this blog soon.. as soon as i start another one :)

 

byeee !! :D

*sighs*
uhm, ryt now im busy handling my dad's credit card transactions.. and im getting rather dizzy with it... so have to take a break.. :P hehehe 'tis summer break now, but dont feel like its a vacation after all. quite busy actually. :) tomorrow, have to go to school for a meeting w/ my colleagues in our newsletter. unfortunate for me, have to choose whether to attend teh meeting or go to the movies w/ friends.. hey! its a free movie.. :D jayjay's treat!! :P

uhm.. ok.. w8.. i'l continue later.. hehehe i think head's ok now.. so i'l be back to my work.. :)

done!

so.. where was i.. ok here i go again.. im being attacked by my borderline personality.. kidding... hehehe im too jolly to be a borderline.. :D

lets see.. just wanna comment on kana's comment.. well, yah.. lately ppl have been leaving me behind.. well, thats bad.. but actually dont really know if they were leaving me or was it me thats doing that.. u see ive been reflecting lately.. since the day ive cried to my friend maricris.. i told her.. i just feel so alone.. maybe girls like boys do get lonely sometimes.. not bcoz they're alone literally.. but may be becoz they're alone bcoz some part of them is looking for sumthing.. whatever that thing is, i myself dunno.. coz i've never found it..

my friend advised me, its not a bestfriend im lacking, but i need to find a boyfriend.. EEEHHH?? what the?! no way.. i dont need some boy to add up to my current blue mood.. -_- and besides, i want someone i cud fall inlove with. :) argh! my reading of historical novels affects my bizarre thinking already!! :p cant help it.. ive formed a fondness to those historical/regency novels.. its like a modern fairy tale story.. :D

when u read my blog, dont u think, ive got flight of ideas.. well just askin.. coz i go from 0ne topic to another.. i hope u can still cope with me.. :) and im sorry for having loose thoughts.. :P hehehe pls dont think im schizo.. hehehe :P schizo patients are really, well, interesting.. ive been exposed to a psychiatric ward last march.. and well, the patients there are not as crude or gross as we might think they are... actually, if ur not cautious, tables may exchange, and u might find urself, being controlled by the mentally-ill patient.. so for future nursing students who'll have their duty at psych ward. be consistent and cautious as well.. :) for ur own good and for the patient.. :) waahh.. see the flight of ideas.. hehehe :roll:

i have a wish... and i hope it would be granted.. i dont want to be alone anymore.. can somebody pls advise/help me on this.. :( its just that, ive got this heavy burden on my shoulders now.. and its really affecting me.. im so afraid of everyone..really, each day that passes by, i think im becoming coward more than ever..i dunno why, since the incident w/ my parents.. when that stupid family secret was revealed, of w/c i cannot tell u and my, well, i dunno if she's my bestfriend, left me alone, or maybe i just misunderstood her.. ive become cautious of ppl.. i just dont feel like trusting them anymore. i want to blame them for it. all those essential ppl in my life, i mean it just came suddenly, i wasnt even prepared for it. i havent live a pampered life as u may think i have, and i can handle problems as such, im the eldest child in the family.. and i have to be strong.. i cannot reveal my weakness to them.. i just cant. so even if i feel so betrayed and lonely inside, i have to smile up to them and act like nothing had happened.. its just the way it is. i cannot cry not in front of them or they may call me weak. i cannot be weak. i have to be strong.

but ive cried.. damn! ive cried in front of maricris.. well, it was hazy night so i dont think she'd seen through me.. but for the 1st tym, i did express wat i felt.. not all tho.. coz we were interrupted.. and i thank her for that.. but that wont happen again.. not again..

see now.. what my problem is.. i cannot trust anymore.. that means i cannot love anyone.. bcoz one day they'll betray me.. to tell you the truth, there's just a few of them whom i call friends..and the others..i call them the pretenders. the plastics. i feel like im living in a world full of them. and i cant take it. i cannot go on living with them and pretend to like them, coz of it im being a plastic as well. thats why ive cried, bcoz i cant do it anymore. thats why on that night after ive talked to maricris, i promise that i wont be one of them. if i hate her, then i'l just ignore her. pretend i dont see her, than pretend that i do like her. call me tactless, i just dont want to live world full of pretensions and lies. :P

after days of not posting....... im bbbbbaaaaccckkk!!!.. i dunno if u care tho..

alot of things has happened in the past weeks.. not just physically consuming but emotionally as well.
events in life cannot be controlled, even if u wanted it so much not to happen.. it just comes.. i've learned this. i wanted to be angry at him, but i cant.. but im positive that what he did.. destroying all those dreams of those students.. its just not right.. but well.. it is his job.. :( icant blame him..

those students are my friends.. and one of them,, well i dunno what i feel about him.. he's really nice and he's like a kuya to me.. u see he told me b4 that i'l be his lil sister coz he's an only child.. but now.. parang nawalan ako ng kuya.. ang sakit.. kc hanggang ngaun tingin p rn nia sakin lil sister nia.. and i hate it.. hey! we went to the movies together.. just the 2 of us.. and.. naaasar ako.. kc wla n sya s college nmin in the next school year... he's my friend since 2nd yr.. and well he's an epitome of a "real friend".. if u know what i mean.. naiiyak n nmn ako.. i remember when i found out nung hapon n un na he's one of the 14 students who's going to have the med-surg removal exam nung block nla..iyak ako ng iyak.. sbi nga nung clsm8 nia di pa decided so i shouldnt cry.. and besides why should i cry.. pero nung araw n un my nyt swimming p kme.. and evrything just turned out so melancholic.. feel ko ang lungkot sobra.. ayaw ko syang mwala s college nmin.. u know the feeling when u'r in a crowd and u always search for his face and pg nkta mo n sya feel mo complete n ung day mo.. na uve not wasted ur energy on some s2pid activity at skul.. pero ngaun.. wla n sya.. at nalulungkot tlga ako..i feel so useless.. if u know what i mean.. kc di ko sya natulungan.. ang useless.. stupid.. where am i? when evrything collapses upon him.. ayun ng-swiswimming.. d b?! gs2ng-gs2 ko sya tulungan nun.. iwas even thinking of not going to our nyt swimming.. para 2lungan sya.. but the thought of approaching him and saying some stupid things creeps me out.. so wlang ngyari.. kya nun wla.. cant do anything else but to pray for him.. and cry..stupid me.. until now.. im still a coward.. not even capable of expressing my real thoughts and feelings for him.. and now he's going away..  i couldnt even tell him that i really really like him.. straight-face.. :(

i wish sumthing wud come up.. and they wouldnt have to go.. esp him.. oh pls..

come to think of it.. i've never cried like that before in front of my friends.. shit.. i feel like a complete idiot.. what a crybaby..-_-

knina.. ive faced him. gulat n gulat p tlga ako.. and then i just said hi..oh God just seeing him i wanna cry my heart out and weep, but its not a very logical thing to do isnt it.. i thought that was it.. same hi and hello we did as we passed the corridors of PLM.. but then he pulled my hand.. i cant even look at him straight in the eye, for the fear the he might be reading my thoughts and all, he told me.. he told me i should study hard and do the best i can.. and thet he told me that iwill be a graduate of batch 2006.. and i just nodded.. and tried to pulled back.. he grabbed me again, and commented on my new hair style, parang naisip ko.. nkikita rn pla ako ng taong toh... akala ko masyadong gwapo kc kaya di n 2mitingin s mga ordinaryong tao.. ang galing napansin nyang bgong gupit ako.. parang gs2 kong matuwa at umiyak.. kc i wouldnt be seeing his smiling face again.. i cant hold him again.. thats just it.. thats the ending of my forlorn feelings..

ive been trying to finish my cross stitch so i cud give it to him on his bday.. i just wish i had the guts to do it.. hindi ko alam, bkit ako nhihiya sa knya.. kc alam kong andame mei gs2 s knya, andameng nakapalibot sa knya.. na alam ko sa sarili ko n kung mwawala ako di ako malaking kawalan.. and parang di ako dserving dun sa atensyon n binibgay nia sakin and i shouldnt be expectin anything from him bcoz i'm his lil sister ryt?! thats what he told me..haay ayaw ko n.. iyak n ko tlga..

tpos n ang cn-sc eleksyon.. grbe ang saya.. landslide ang partido nmin.. landslide sa putikan.. wahehehe :D pero ayos lng.. ayw ko nmn tlgang manalo e..kc malaking responsiblity un.. kung ngaun p nga lang, halo mamatay-matay na ako sa stressed eh di lalo n pg nadagdagan workload ko.. *sigh* knina nga lang galing me sa doctor.. ngpatingin kc di n tlga ako makahinga kahapon at knina tpos sobrang taas ng lagnat ko kninang madaling araw.. 39.5C.. hala, di b? hehehe :D akala ko nga knina mg-coconvulsion n ako e.. :P pero xmpre khit nilalagnat at parang mamamatay n ako dhil di ako makahinga.. pasok pa rin ako sa duty.. PGH-OR.. 6-2pm. sayang kc ung case e. nung monday kc.. sobrang tagal nung operation.. eh ngcirculating nurse ako.. xmpre utusan ang lola mo.. hehehe.. 4hours n wlang upuan... at lampas lunch n ng matpos.. tpos knina ule..5hrs operation nmn.. revision of hip arthroplasty..sa pagkakataong ito.. scrub nurse ang lola m.. grbe ang saya.. kc sterile k tlga dapat.. dapat ito lng ang hahawakan m.. hanggang d2 lng ang kamay m.. at ikw at taga-abot ng instruments sa mga surgeon.. aliw tlga kc ang babait nla.. wala nga akong alam ngscrub ako.. hehehe sabi ko bahla n tturuan nmn ako ni ma'm scrub nurse e.. :p hehehe.. ang saya nung operation knina kc ortho.. andaing gamit.. tpos nakakaliw kc parng di n tao ung inu-operahan kumbaga cinemento n sya, pinukpok ang buto, nilagyan ng screw.. grbe ang saya tlga.. gs2 ko n rn tuloy mging surgeon.. :D pero bsta pg graduate ko gs2 kong mging OR nurse.. un n ang ima-masteral ko.. hehehe :D

cge.. tulog n ko.. grbe.. kelangan mgpahinga sbi ni doc.. kc stress n ko.. :)

nyt! :D mwahugz! 

ayan.. e2 n nmn post n nmn ako.. wla akong mgwa.. sobrang addict ako ngaun s golden sun.. di p nga ako ngaaral e.. tpos imbis n nanood ng concert.. ito nsa bhay lng ako.. *sigh*

nhanap ko n sya s friendster.. yey!! ang saya tlga.. kso nhhiya nmn akong i-add sya.. as if nmn natatandaan p nia ako.. nakakainis tlga.. "in a relationship" na ang status nia.. BKIT!?! ok lng yan,, kung asawa nga nasusulot eh bf p kya.. :p hehehe bad ko.. ^^

ayon s tatakbo n nga ako.. kc nhihiya ako s friend ko e..khit sangkatutak ang problema ko ngaun.. cge ayos lng.. ttkbo p rn me.. haaaaayyy.. bahala n lng tlga.. -__-

gs2 kong tumakbo pra s kalikasan on feb 20 kso nmn bka mamatay lng ako s hapo wla p 2lugan ng sat nyt dhil s training.. andami ko gs2ng gwin kso ikli ng oras.. -_-

cge later n lng muna.. ^^

wahehehe salamat KANA s cheer.. :)

di p rn tpos defense nmin.. this coming sat n sya so.. di n tlga ako makkaatend nung anime con.. ok lng pla.. ala ako pera.. naubos.. bumili ako whole series ng gundam seed e.. sunod destiny :P addict s gundam..

hindi ko p rn alam kung tatakbo ako s cnsc.. kc parang gs2 ko n ayw ko.. gs2 ko kc gs2 ko at dhil gs2 ko pgbgyan ung friends ko.. kso.. nttkot ako.. ayw ko ng failure.. ayw ko tlga un.. lalo p ngaun mdyo andaming problema s pamilya ko.. -__- sobrang laki.. kc mghihiwalay n cla..ewan nkkaiyak tlga khpon nga e.. lumayas ako ng bahay nglibot-libot tpos khit pinipigilan ko ung pgiyak ko naiiyak p rn ung mata ko.. kkaasar.. msydong selfish parents ko.. parang di mga magulang.. X-(

tpos nung sabado.. wlang hiya call it katangahan .. ngupit ko sarili ko.. iba tlga.. parang pwd ng dalhin s ER ung kamay ko.. kc sobrang nadugo n sya.. :P pero asteeg.. busy ako nun kaya di ko pinapansin khit dumudugo sya.. binuhusan ko lng sya ng alcohol *ouch*.. tpos back to wok again.. wla nattawa n nga lng ata ung clsm8s ko sakin e.. ang hirap tlga pg nattaranta ako.. -_-

so ayon.. cge gotta go na muna.. haay.. aayusin ko p written report nmin e.. chuva.. tpos maglalaro p ako.. nd also mei binabasa p akong buk n kelangan kong tapusin.. happy valentines day s inyong lahat! mwah! iloveu! :D

sad ako di ko nkita crush ko nung heart's day.. -__- balak ko n ngang pumunta s ospital nun e.. :( pero mei nkasabay ako s dyip.. gwapo.. hehehe :D

haaay sa wakas mattpos ko n case study ko.. cheer nmn dyan.. grava.. naubos utak ko dun.. kaya un.. maya ko n sya ule ipagpapatuloy.. tinatamad na ako e :D

cge.. lugto n ako.. paalam ^^

haay grabe ng katamaran ko ito.. di ko p nauumpisahan individual case study ko.. and CVA un.. cardiovascular accident w/ PTB 3 pa ata.. (pulmonary Tuberculosis minimmal).. di ko issama PTB nia.. CVA/stroke nlng.. un nmn dhilan nla kaya pumunta cla hospital e.. pwd nmn gmutin PTb s health centers.. :D

ano  b toh.. pinapatakbo ako ng kaibgan ko s CNSC (student council) tska RCY(red cross).. naku bka wla ng mngyari s mga yan pag tumakbo ako.. hahaha ayaw ko.. andami ko ggwin e.. completion of cases n.. isa plng case ko s MCN tpos s surgery dpt 2 n kso nwala ko ung isa.. so s bakasyon dami tlga ggwin.. mganda lng titira ako s bhy ng bestie ko.. di p pla ako ngppaalam kila mama.. -_-

teka ang gulo ko noh.. mtagal n pala akong mgulo.. :( kaya pala di ako kinakabhn dun s defense nmin last sat kc d nmn pla ma22loy.. so this sat n sya ule.. + mei individual case p.. mas torture un ah.. *iyak* :(

mei bgo ako biniling stuff animal.. :D ang cute.. balak ko cla kolektahin lahat.. ibg sbhn have to go for about a week or 2 without a meal para mbili ko cla evryday.. 150php kc cla e..medium sized stuff animal.. s tomato 3rdflr sm mla.. hala ngadvertise dw b ako..

ganda tlga my sassy girl.. addict n ako sobra dun..pati ung kanta ganda-ganda.. :) bumili ako jap mag about fashion.. blak ko n ngang crain ung mga damit ko para magaya ko ung isang style dun.. ang cute kc e.. :P

hay.. cge tsutsupe n ako.. :D mgtri-3thirty n e.. :D umpisahan ko n case ko.. kc di ko sya mggaw tom dhil mei praktis p kmi ng play.. :P tpos s wed di ko rn mggwa kc have to study panitikan.. hay.. sobra.. tpos s thurs nyt wla 2lugan kc psych long exam nmin..tpos s fri wla ule tulugan kc defense the next day..ano b etetch.. ano b toh nbbkla n nmn ang lola nio.. wla n akong tym para gumawa ng new layout for chinese new year or para s valentines.. di p nga ako nkkagawa ng blog nmin ng bestie ko e.. :(

ang daming ggwin.. ayaw ko n.. di ko p tpos aralin ung Physical assessment ng neuro tpos ung ECg buk n binili ko di ko p nauumpisahan.. kelangan p mgaral ng anatomy ule.. para wlang craulong gagong mayabang n tgalabas n nangookray s mga taga skul ko.. di pwd un.. ngkataon lng tlga n madami ung batch nmin kya medyo ngkaganun.. tpos mcn p ule panu mgpaanak.. mejo nkalimutan ko n kc sya e.. so aun.. cge n.. byeee :P

[b]KANA:[/b]
di ako magaling.. lucky lng sobra.. hahaha :) tska once n nging interesting ung isang topic/bgay sakin.. i try very hard to find out evrything about it.. kya nga magulo life ko e.. kc andmi ko gs2 (gs2 ko ng doctor or lawyer n asawa hahaha :D ano b toh.. di yan ksali bgla lng pumasok s utak ko ung crush ko kc e).. pati forensics n buk binbsa ko.. hanggang pgging seamstress.. hahaha :D bkit di m ko tinext? kelan un? nung sat b? sayang.. di saa nakkain sana tau tsktsk.. -_- pero 5pm n rin ako nakauwi nun e.. hehehe kc inantay nmin CI nmin n d nmn dumating... :)

haay.. bukas n ang defense nmin para s grp case study nmin.. nakauwi ako ngaun 11pm n.. uwi b toh ng matinong bata? tsktsk.. :(

ngpagupit nga pla ako.. hehehe :D sobrang layered.. mdyo ikli n ung harapan... dati kc straight lng e.. wlng style kc nga db ginupit nung mom ko ung buhok ko kc layered sya dti e naasar sya dun s parang buntot, ung patulis n end nung hair ko.. ayon.. :P

ano p b.. uhm, di ako kinakabahan para bukas.. di ko alam kung bkit.. ay mmaya n pla un.. ang bilis ng oras ha.. o ang bagal ko lng mgisip ng itatype? -_- bhala n lng tlga..

gsto ko mkita crush ko.. pls.. haay..sana s valentine's day.. tpos bgyan ko sya chocolate.. hehehe parang s japan..baetbaet nung clsm8 ko.. binili nia ako nung chinese brush.. kc nasa buks2r kmi knina, tpos nkkita ako chinese brush.. pinabili ko s knya.. binili nmn nya.. hehehe :D tnx jordan!! ^^

KANA:
neurosurgeon po.. neuro=nervous system.. utak, nerves, spinalcord, etc.. cla ung nagoopera s mga kso s utak nd nything rlated to it. :D asteeg noh? :P

 

waaahhh nkkapagod.. natpos din ako s wakas.. group case pres kc nmin s sabado e.. eh ako magdedefend ng anaphy.. haay.. ang haba.. nakkaasar para typhoid fever lng nmnsakit nung pasyente.. oarang buong katawan nia apektado.. cge reklamo p ako.. eh ganun nmn tlg.. -_-

letsugas n celfone toh.. ibalik nio p800 ko.. *sobs* ang hirap tnggalin nung sim.. di ko tuloy mailagay ung globe sim ko.. kc 2 sim ko e, isang globe isang sun. asteg sun e, evry month mei libre 100php load.. :P wais ata toh.. :) blik tau s pgtanggal ng sim.. di ko p rn maalis.. pudpod kc kuko ko e.. cguro kung mhba toh mdudukot ko ung sim kso.. pudpod nga kaya ang sakit..*iyak*

haay cge n alis n po ako.. bd3p e..punta ako knna ospital para i-PA sna ung pasyente ko esp neuro nia, tulog nmn sya.. kkhiya nmn gcngin.. kc wawa n nga sya..-_- kaya un, as usual interview.. bhla n ung case study ko nxt week, pero ito lng, kung sakaling madedefend ko sya ng maayos.. baka sakaling mei pag-asa p n tuparin ko ung gs2 ng mom ko.. panu nmn kc gs2 nia ako mgneurosurgeon?! hala! 10 years n nmn un.. eh ang tamad tamad ko.. -_- pero kung ok ung result ng defense ko.. cge b.. :P pangarap ko rn nmn mgdoctor tlga e,, kso bka di n ko mhntay nung crush ko.. *iyak* waah di ko sya nkita knna.. pero ung ibng batchmate nia andun.. cguro late un.. nakkainis.. -__- panu ko kaya mkikita ule un? *isip* cge n nga bhla n.. byebye!! ingatz po kaung lahat.. gulo ng entry ko noh? hehehe -_-

kana:
cge po email m lng sakin.. :) tpos bhala n.. hahaha :D

 

*sings*
[i]if ur happy and u know it
clap ur hands..[/i]

im happy again.. 1st coz ive seen my midterm grade in psych and ive passed.. yehey.. plus the fact that ive got the highest score on our midterm exam *hooray* :D and ive got the chance to hang out w/ bestie val and pao, and plus coz ive got a new celfone.. *confetti*

sorry for not postin for i dunno how many days.. i wanted to go to the hospital to visit kuya chris.. but i cant.. sometimes i thought that i would just cut my arm and get myself to the ER trauma ward and get him to fix my wound hahaha :D stupid me.. i really wanted to see him.. last wednesday ive saw him when i went to the hospital to get a case for my individual case presentaxn... -_- lots of work to do.. but *sigh* i wonder if he's going to be a surgeon or a pediatrician.. ive watched him b4 when i was assigned in the trauma ward.. and he likes children thats for sure and he cares for them a lot.. :P but he also mentioned about studying surgery.. he's very smart and nice.. now that i think about it.. i seem to like men who's got brains rather than looks + those men who are way older than me.. hehehe :P mature in other words.. :D

i wanted to see him again.. but the probability of seeing him is so low that i feel so desperately lonely now.. *sobs* but for him i will finish my studies and get a master's degree and then.. maybe just maybe i cud see him again and i could be his scrub nurse hahaha if he's going to be a surgeon.. :P wow.. a doctor and a nurse what a combi.. :P

well, i think gotta go now.. :P coz my blood pressure is so low..u see other ppl are problematic bcoz they're hypertensive (>140/90 BP) but me im a hypotensive.. mom took my BP and its only 90/20..and i really feel dizzy.. i think the presure is so low that my brain's lacking the necessary blood supply.. T_T

bye.. :P

[b]KANA:[/b]
cge Godbless n lng sau ha.. bsta txt m ko kung san k aaral.. pramis kita p rn tau ok.. :P

[b]ate Jais[/b]
wow! ate nbasa m the alchemist.. hehehe yehey!! sa wakas mei nakaintindi dn ng header ko.. :P tnx po s flattering words.. :P mwah :)

im so happy!! hahaha y? its becoz after years of not having a crush.. my heart and body has focused itself to a man named *toot* hahaha :D ok, i just met him today, i dont even know if he knows me but i do know him. he was an intern in the trauma ward of ER and i was assigned there yesterday and i have assisted him in cleaning, and suturing wounds. :P hehehe he smells great.. he studies at same school like mine. ^^ however, he is already graduating this year.. wow.. he's gonna be a doctor.. :) he's really so nice, he was teaching us about the procedures and very much approachable, unlike the other peeps there.. ^^ and also he has a clasmate.. he was nice too. cute eyes.. when i said goodbye to them, he smiled at me just for a second.. wow... yehey! hehehe :P i wish i cud see him again.. :P

last week, we had saved the life of a child.. he has heart had died but he returned back.. though it was very exhausting.. it was worth it.. the greatest moment of life i think and for me is.. when u had done something really good that u know will make a person happy.. we visited him last monday.. and did u know the feeling when ur heart jumps in happiness bcoz u can see that the child's family was very happy and they were like thanking u wholeheartedly.. :)
ive also inserted foley cath yesterday and a fleet enema on a girl.. :) the past rotation was the my favorite among all my duties.. thanx ma'm guchi and to all the staff of the ospital ng maynila :P

wish: i wish i cud see him again.. and then get closed to him.. hehehe :P

ok.. i should really typre very fast now coz uhm.. i still need to do and study a lot of things.. coz this week and nxt week will be for midterms, and havent studied a single subject yet, phew.. its great that i dont have classes on wednesday.. so here's schedule for this week and nxt week,
*on thursday - long exam on med-surg and long quiz on panitikan
*on friday - midterms for psychiatric nsg + movie review
*mon & tue - duty at ER 2-10pm
*thursday - midterms on med-surg and panitikan and statistics
* friday - midterm on economics + movie review for psych
*sat - individual & group presentation of case study, evaluation for RLE

how am i supposed to do all those things.. i wish the case study will be next next week coz.. really time is really short.. i guess should go on w/o sleeping again.. im so stressed out.. :(

last night, bestie val and i talked about something.. *Sigh* love life again. well, we kinda talk about wanting to feel love also.. coz dunno we usually act insensitive, unromantic, and cool, but we've realized that beneath that facade is an emotional person capable of giving and receivng love. but not yet, not till i graduate.. only a year and 2 months and il be graduating.. hope so..

well gotta go.. byee...!! mwah!! gudnyt guys..
:roll:

hahaha! todays great. went out w/ my lil sis and then by things needed for tomorrow.. waah got duty on ER *sigh*

gotta go.. im still chatting w/ my bestie.. hahaha

:D

mwah! gudnyt guys! :D

ive been in the streets the whole afternoon today... looking for a cute utilty/tool box for my duty on monday.. however, lady luck isnt on my side.. havent found any box that i really want..-_- *sobs*

i need KY JELLY!!! now!!!... pls.. ive been to 4drugstores and its all out of stock.. -_- :( waaahhh *sobs again*..

dont feel well today.. -_-

waahhhh..

announcement:
anyone who got the looks and temper of Yzak Jule of Gundam Seed and G Seed Destiny, i wud really like to meet up w/ u!! hahaha :D

i love yzak jule.. he's so.. uhm, i dunno.. just attracted to him.. i just wish the likes of him exist.. :P



KANA:
ung mga pics po nkukuha ko yn s net.. iba-ibang site e.. then ine-edit ko cla.. ung iba dyan galing s ibang pic.. tpos edit para gumanda.. hahaha :D gs2 m mgpaedit ng pic sakin..expert ako dun e.. :D

im back.. wow.. new bcg hehehe :D

neweiz, it wasnt that cute or catchy but well.. bear w/ me pls.. i edited the header and the bcg for only 30mins.. coz i wasnt really busy.. well.. but i've been busy watching anime.. heh heh :P just finished watching X TV this morning.. it wasnt wat i expected it to be.. and kamui-kun died.. *sobs* another bishounen dies.. *sigh*.. i love the sorata& arashi. quite a couple, they're so cute. and even if sorata-chan aint a bishounen, he's still a cool and nice guy. :)

i hate fuuma... wat a stupid idiot he is. anyway, i dont like kotori so i guess its ok that he killed his own sister. and was it my mind playing tricks on me again, or is it really that subaru is gay? i mean he is inlove with seiichiro sakurazaku.. -_- eww.. heh heh no offense.. not a good combi.. unlike Shuichi-chan and Yuki-kun tee hee :D

im finished w/ my weekly movie review.. wow! hahaha at last.. i thot i wud never finished it.. coz was thinking of doing it since xmas break but i have only finished it now.. wat a lazy bum i am. :P

i miss my bestfriend valerie and also bestfriend paopao!! waaahh.. *sobs* cant wait for our trip.. i wish i was a 4th yr student already.. *sigh* i guess no use wishing that... i mean we're not really ready for a graduation yet, ryt? i mean so many procedures and basic things about nursing we have yet to learn.. -_- and i dont wanna graduate w/o knowing anything.. lets work in Japan ok?! hah hah :D oopss, i guess we need to finish first our japanese language class.. hehehe :D i found one in UA&P.. 5000php per sem but its not available during summer.. so we really cant study foreign language there.. hehehe :D

oh btw, i decided that my bcg will be like that.. music sheets bcoz i like them.. heh heh.. actually, its dedicated to quatre and nichol of Gundam Wing and Gundam Seed. nichol, died in the hands of Kira bcoz he tried to protect athrun...and i like athrun but not as much as i like yzack heh heh :P quatre is my fave male anime character... :D
nytienyt!! :D

inaantok n tlga ako.. tulog n tayo bukas n lng ako mgpopost... hehehe :D

joke lng.. ttpusin ko n toh..

mdyo naaliw ako s sarili ko ngaung araw n toh.. panu nmn kc puro natl geographic and discovery channels pinanood ko.. hala db? andami ko natutunan about history.. dapt nonood p rn me ngaun kaso antok n ko tlga hahaha :D kwawa tlga c nefertiti.. ansama ng gnwa nla s knya.. denying the person of her right to eternal life and speak her name to the Gods.. ansama.. :(

sa totoo lng ha.. mas aliw toh (plain type vrsion) kesa ung beta type ng posting engine.. :P

ah, onga pala.. mei mga ssbhin ako d2 n hnd ko masabi s knla directly kc di ko kya at dhil s pride ko noh..


:twisted: someone has been wringing my patience this past few days and u know wat u are this close.. so close to provokin me into a verbal fight.. if u want to hate me or ur angry at me just tell me alryt. if u are so damned jealous of me, of what i have, just tell me, i am very glad to help u achieve what i have. look, i cannot give him to u bcoz he was never been mine and God knows, ive tried to hook u up with him, becoz i know u do really like him.. so much.. so pls.. pls.. stop it. if u like him y dont u just tell him. if ur jealous that ive got his attention.. well, im sorry to u..want to make some love potions.. i'l help u.. just dont blame me or retaliate at me just bcoz ur so damned jealous..

:twisted: Ge Xian Neng
ayan ah, nilagay ko n chi name m. bka kc pgkmalan n nmn nila n ikw ung isa. hay, kung alam m lng lgi k nlng pinapagusapan at lagi nmn ako damay, daya tlga. pinapabayaan m ako lng ang humarap s knla. :D heh heh :P kumusta k n nga pala? blita ko active p rn ang acct m ah.. pxnsya k n ah.. msyado kc akong mapride para kausapin k. s totoo lng binigay m sakin lahat ng personal details m.. pati nga tunay n email m sakin m lng binigay. di ko maintindihan kung bkit.. sorry ah kung naibgay ko s isang tao un. :(
parang 10 yrs n ang nakkalipas cmula huli kita nakausap, bkit k nga b ule umalis? ah onga pla.. heh heh sa akin k nga lang pla ngpaalam.. dpt ko bng ikatuwa un? andaya m nmn e.. kala ko b sabay tau aalis? pero mas matapang k sakin e.. di ko kyang tiisin mga kaibgan ko kya bumalik ako.. sana pla masaya ka.. tanong lang panu m ngawa un?
iwanan at kalimutan nlng mga kaibgan m? why did u allow other people to control u? just because some cocky and shitless ppl told u that its very immature and childish to do, u give it up just like that? but u like it ryt? are u happy now? i mean, truly happy? coz if u say yes.. i dont believe u. piece of advise: dont be fooled by those around u, learn to utilize what u've got. God has given u a brain that is so wicked smart. dont allow anyone to call u a nerd/idiot coz of that. and lastly, choose the ryt person/s who u will allow to enter ur own little weird world. :P

:twisted: ikaw nmn.. hm, i was thinking of asking for urhelp for a certain problem of w/c ur the only one who can, i think, clarify it. but since my damned pride wont allow me to bcoz its already in tatters coz sum1 has accused me of being a martyr over a guy. *bangs head on the desk* aww.. that is so not me. and uhm.. if situation gets really rough.. i think i really have to ask u for another favor.. -_-


gudnyt guys!! :oops:

ok.. i woke up today exactly at 3am and got out of bed at 3:15 am... hehehe so early.. well i went to sleep last nyt immediately after gundam seed so at 8pm.. i was already almost half to sleep. oh btw, i havent mentioned.. yesterday i wasnt able to get any sleep.. even just a minute.. so consequences.. i think i did bad on our long exam on the renal sytem.. >_< argh!.. look..my mind was already half-asleep by then and it seems like it cant understanding at all.. and 2nd consequence.. have to study for the midterms to make up for it.. so.. the point is u have to sleep before going to school.. coz school sucks all the energy u have and causes brain drained.. hehehe :D

well, i gotta go.. have to study for my psych nsg.. later then.. oh i mean maybe il post on satnight hehehe.. cant post tom.. have to study for another long exam.. and we'l be having our midterms on teh 3rd week of jan.. and on the 3rd wk.. we have our duty at the ER.. ok.. im beginning to feel loaded.. hahaha toxic.. later.. takecare :) mwah ><

another stupid topic. :twisted:

alam nio b n s araw ngaun at bukas ako ay mgb-busy-busyhan mode muna. mdyo tambak ako ng gawain e, spgkt 2lad ng pinaliwanag ko noon s thurs n ang pasok ko, at kktpos ko lng aralin knna ang perioperative nrsing nsa tingin ko wla nmn kaung pkialam kung ano un.

bukas, punta ako skul. praktis for a production number para s thurs, since gahol n kmi s oras, mg-eenarte n lng kmi s harap at hnd n ung classic reporting ang ggwin nmin w/ all the chuva visual aids. heh heh :evil:

s totoo lng, mdyo kinakabahan akong pumasok s huwebes kc di p ko handa. -_- kelan b ako nging handa? haay, bahala n nga. magaling nmn akong mgcram e, tska sana ok p rn ang luck ko, di p nmn ngccmula ang year of the rooster e, kung pgbbsehan ang chi calendar.

s ngaun, addict ako s gundam seed.. ewan pero s lahat ng anime laging gundam ang sobrang kinakahumalingan ko? ano bng word un? meron b nun? ah bsta. fave ko ang gundam kaya nga ako anime fan coz of G wing e. :D

ano p b ang ssbhin ko? ah oo.. sya nga pla, nkahanap n ako ng mga CG n pwdng bckground and header ng blog ko, kso nga lng wla p kong time para magedit nung naturang CG kya pgtyatyagaan ko muna tong bg ko ngaun.

bd3p neopets, 57 NP lng nkuha ko.! -_-

uhm, mahba n msyado. o cge na... mghhanap p ako ng pics for artificial vent. kc di ako marunong mgdrawing kya priprint n lng ako. paalam.. ^^

KANA:
ah e.. pxnsya n.. bsta pg ngabot tau ppbsa ko sau un ok.. hehehe :D

hay, ano bng klaseng subj yan.. ang panget noh.. ala kc ako maicp n subj kya yan n lng. panget tlga, bka akalain nio le-lecturan ko kau 2ngkol s mga position ng pasyente s operating table. hoy! hindi ah.

ngttagalog ako ngaun kc nwwala ang english vocabulary ko, tska baka puro about surgery mailagay ko d2, kc nmn mgmula kninang 6pm di n ako ntpos magbasa. kktamad kc. bkit b tlga ako ngnursing? marunong nmn ako ng math?! -_-

hay, ngaun nagulantang ako s post ni kana. grbe di ko akalain n all this time un ang iniicp nia. naku nmn cguro ung mga una kong post mula nwalan ako ng kaibigan cguro p2ngkol s knya un, pero ano b? wla kaya akong karapatang iyakan sya, dhil ang sbi ko nga s knya, friends lng tlga dpt kmi at alam nia un noh?! kaya wla kng karapatang maginarte noh kung nsan k man, nandamay k p ng ibang tao.. epal.. yikes. ang bad ko n. kc nmn e.......... :(

ano p bng ssbhin ko? ah new year's resolution ko. dapat ilalagay ko d2 n dapat mkipagbati n ko s mga taong nsktan ko at s mga taong nwala n lng bgla dpt ppilitin ko clang ibalik, eh kso.. hm, di ko alam kung pano?! pano nmn ang pride ko noh?! msyado akong mapride para gwin un.. kaya pgiicpan ko pa.

another resolution, mgaaral ng mabuti. ngyak! parang kaya ko lng itype di ko nmn mgwa. parang ayaw ko n kc tlga e. nkilala ko lng kc ung "taong" un, ncra n ang lahat ng pangarap kong mging isang nurse, pati ung pgging optimistic ko makakaya ko tong gwin.. wla n rin. 22o pla tlga ang sbi s good will hunting, n maraming matatalino dyan kso pag nakahanap cla ng di karapatdapat n mgtuturo s knila, parang ngiging lokoloko at wlang n clang tiwala s sarili dhil un ang pinamukha s knila. nakakaasar tlga. :angry:

pero nung new year, nsa simbahan ako for 2 hours.. kinausap ko c Papa Jesus.. sya kc ung lgi kong tnatakbuhan pag nwwlan n ako ng pag-asa s buhay e, pag di ko n tlga kaya... kaya i2 mdyo bumabalik n ko s dati, sana lng mkahanap ako ng isang taong mg22ro sakin ng tamang landas. :)

ayan, para nmn mei kwenta ung topic ko.. ssbhn ko kung ano ang trendelenburg position,, ito ung posisyon kung saan ikaw ay nkahiga at ang ulo m at katawan m (hanggang torso) ay binaba ng mas mababa s lower extremities m.. tpos ung tuhod nkflex.. ano bng tagalog ng flex? at lower extremities... bsta un n un..

o cge n. paalam n s ngaun. ^^
madami p ko aaralin at nwwlan na ko ng oras.
time is of the essence tlga.. sbi nga knina s conan the boy in future.. hala puro quote o cge byebye ule! ingatz kau lagi.. ^^

KANA,
pxnsya n kung msyadong mahaba ung repl ko s entry m ha. nkkagulantang tlga ^^ cge byebye mwaahhugs! mei ppbsa ako sau pg naabutan ktang onlyn. pero be prepared ha. :P luvyah! >:<

 

bwahahaha!! its 2k5 already.. another year and that means im getting.. ohmigawd.. no!! dont wanna grow old..*Sobs*.. back when i was in 3rd year HS, i used to say that when im 16years of age i will kill myself.. or say, i will let myself be killed.. coz i dont wanna age beyond 16.. -_- and now, 2years have passed.. and i havent performed that act yet. :( which is not so nice coz this year im turning 19.. just a year more and il be 20?! no more -teen in my age.. :twisted:

last nyt.. around 11pm of dec 31st.. my dad and i had a share of the festivities for the new year.. hehehe we blew up.. i mean we lighted up lots of fireworks and firecrackers.. well.. actually my dad lighted the firecrackers.. and i the fireworks.. i lighted up 12 roman candles all by myself.. isnt that a feat? hehehe :D it was my first time doing that so was really proud of myself.. hehehe :P

uhm.. wat else.. oh yah.. i havent posted an entry for the last Christmas.. but.. well, it was becoz my mom and dad are in a serious fight on the supposed to be our noche buena.. so i really didnt enjoy Christmas.. -_-

and.. *thinks*.. yah, just finished watchin sense & Sensibility.. it was a great movie..all about English decorum back in the 1800s.. hehehe :P i really loved reading books about the old London and all its Season. wow.. great.. so maybe thats why ive really liked the movie..

i went to church today.. and guess wat i stayed there all by myself attending 2 catholic mass.. hahaha :D great :P

well.. i gotta go now.. im practicin myself of sleeping early.. u see, im going back to school on 6th of jan.. and well..i havent studied.. ive got 2 reports on that day.. 1 very long exam.. and 1 problem set in statistics.. ok.. i rather have the prob set than the long exam.. hehehe :P

gudnyt! be well.. :P